


Destiny

by Mythdefied



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor, M/M, Parody, do not take this seriously!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 03:58:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mythdefied/pseuds/Mythdefied
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the dark haired boy awoke that morning, it was with a clear understanding of what he'd been missing in his life. Suddenly, it all made sense, why he'd never been happy with the ex-demon. He was gay!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Destiny

When the dark haired boy awoke that morning, it was with a clear understanding of what he'd been missing in his life. Suddenly, it all made sense, why he'd never been happy with the ex-demon. He was gay! 

The attraction to the petite blond Slayer, his flirtation with the redheaded witch, they were all girls he'd known he couldn't have and so they'd been _safe_! The fact that his "relationship" with his current former demon girlfriend was kind of working out, was just a fluke. Maybe they did have, according to her, great orgasms together, but, teenager or not, man could not live by orgasm alone. They didn't have love together, not the real thing, and the young man knew that because he _was_ in love. It'd taken him too long to realize it, but no he was sure!

Suddenly, there was a knock at the basement door. More of a banging, really, accompanied by a yell.

"Oy! Whelp! Lemme in!"

" _Spike_!" the teen gasped out the name of his beloved. 

They had a connection between them. For all that they'd played around at being enemies, there'd always been...something there, something that drew them together. But it was daytime now, and if the chipped vampire was here, that meant he was in trouble. Of course, he'd come to his best friend for help, because the Scooby was always there for him!

Scrambling out of bed, the half naked young man ran to the basement door and threw it open. And there stood the bleached blond vampire, tarp over his head, smoking slightly.

"Xander!"

"Spike! Are you alright?" inquired the brown haired mortal as he pulled the other man into the basement, closing the door behind him.

"Yeah, whelp, I'm good," answered the British vampire as he tossed aside the tarp. "Just had to see you."

The blond man had been thinking about it all night, the way he couldn't get the handsome young human out of his mind. That shaggy hair, those limpid brown eyes, the way the whelp snarked right back at him; it was true love, and it'd taken the vampire too long to notice it. It burned brighter in him than his love for the crazy brown haired vampire he'd spent the last century with; he had to have this mortal, and he had to know if the whelp felt the same.

"Before you say anything, Spike," started the dark haired man as he held up his hands, frowning because he wasn't sure how this was going to go over. "I just have to say that--"

"I love you," the chipped demon interrupted, tilting his head up challengingly, daring the mortal to start an argument over it, because he wasn't leaving until they'd come to an understanding about this.

"I--you--? Love?" the brown-eyed boy stuttered as he grinned suddenly. "Yes! That's just what I was gonna say, Spike! I love you alot!" he enthused. This was better than he'd hoped! He'd thought he'd have to convince the snarky Brit to see things his way!

"You do? You really love me, whelp?" the blond vampire, breathed as he stepped forward, reaching out to touch the teenager's bare chest, loving the way the warm skin felt.

"Oh, yeah! Can't stop thinking about you!" the Scooby pronounced, and, grabbing hold of the leather-wearing vampire's arm, he pulled the other man into a passionate embrace. Much kissing and tongues ensued. "You're my one true love, Spike! And I'm gonna prove it to you by letting you fuck me!" he exclaimed, grinning happily.

The shorter man grinned back, then raised an eyebrow. "That's how you prove true love?" he asked.

The taller mortal man frowned and pronounced, "Well, it's either that or by having your ass baby. One of the two equals true love; I'm pretty sure of that."

"Uh...cold dead seed here, remember, whelp?"

"Right. Okay, babies are out. Let's go with the butt sex."

Happy to have solved the matter, they both stumbled towards the fold-out bed, stripping off clothes as they went -- only boxers in the once again unemployed teen's case -- until they fell into the bed, naked and groping and humping each other.

"Take me, Spike! Show me that you really love me!" the boy groaned, desperate to feel the blue eyed vampire's cool rod of love deep inside his cherry channel of carnal delights.

"Um...slight problem with that, whelp," pointed out the smaller naked man, propping himself up over his lover. And the young man looked so beautiful, spread out under him. "The chip, remember? I hurt you and I get hurt; ring a bell?"

"Oh! God, Spike, I don't _ever_ want to hurt you. But, it's not a problem!" cried the dark haired man, then, grinning, he pushed the other man to the side and hopped off the bed. "Anya bought us some toys and there's this one that'll be perfect!"

Grabbing hold of a waist-high box in the corner of the room, the strong young man pulled it towards the bed, grunting with the effort.

"Help me with this," he grunted, wincing as a staple dug into his finger when he pried the top of the box open.

With the bleach blond's help, they had the box open in seconds.

"Bum Buster 1000?" the naked vampire read, his eyebrows rising as he pulled out the instruction manual, big enough to need two hands to grasp.

"Yep," the tall boy ground out as he levered the contraption out of the box. "Hey." he frowned at the notation on the side of the machine. "This has a high voltage warning on it."

"Whelp," the pale man exclaimed as he looked up from the manual, eyes wide, "this thing takes _petrol_!"

"Oh, huh. Guess we should just plug it in, then," the Scooby decided, then shrugged and reached for the extension cord.

\-------

"It's another apocalypse, isn't it!" the young blond Slayer cried out as she groped her way around her Watcher's dark apartment.

"I think it's just a blackout," the red head disagreed from somewhere across the room as she too tried to find her way around.

Then the door was pulled open and suddenly daylight was flooding the room, leaving four people blinking in the sudden brilliance.

The Watcher, standing at the door, looked out with a frown. "Hard to say in daylight, but it appears that Willow may be right; it's just a general blackout," he pronounced.

"Oh," the Slayer sighed, disappointed. There was never any fun to be had without an apocalypse. "Well, maybe Xander will show up and mess something up and we'll have something to do," she mused aloud.

"Buffy!" her best friend, the witch gasped in shock and censure. "How can you talk about Xander like that? He's our friend!" She never could understand why the young Slayer was so cruel to the other Scooby.

"I--I think Xander is n--nice," the red headed witch's blond girlfriend stuttered out. The young man had always been so nice to her.

"Yes, well, Buffy has a point," the Watcher ejaculated with a sigh. The boy had always been a liability to them.

Before the shorter witch could protest again, the object of their budding argument suddenly came stumbling through the door. Well...more like a tarp-covered, smoking form came stumbling into the apartment, the young man draped over his shoulder.

"Xander!" The red headed witch gasped out in shock. She'd never seen him look so...so...limp!

"Oh, great, Xander," the blue eyed slayer muttered and rolled her eyes, then grabbed the nearest stake. "And Spike! I should stake you right now just for existing!"

"Close the door, Red!" the tarp-covered vampire ordered as he dropped his boneless lover into the nearest chair.

"W--we need the light; the power's out," the blond witch offered hesitantly.

"Yeah, half the city's out," the blue eyed, thin vampire informed as he stepped into the shadows and shucked off the tarp. He shook his head. "Told you we should've grounded that thing, whelp."

The taller young man twitched and moaned. Now dressed in shorts, a T-shirt and yet another floral print shirt -- the only thing the fashion-conscious vampire could find and he hadn't been happy about that -- the Scooby just couldn't seem to make himself move, or get his legs closed. He slid further down in the chair, grinning widely.

"Wuz good anyway," he slurred.

"That it was, whelp," the too-pretty for words vampire agreed as he leaned down and pressed a tender kiss to his lover's forehead.

"Eeeeewwwwwww!" the blond Slayer screeched in sudden horror. She'd _known_ that the dark haired young man didn't have any common sense, always getting into so much trouble but this was the last straw! "Oh my _god_ , Giles! _Now_ do you see what I'm talking about! We have to kill Xander and Spike before they contaminate everyone with their gayness!"

"Hey!" the red headed witch protested at the same time as her blond haired witchy girlfriend.

The Watcher frowned. "Now, Buffy, I'll have you know that I'm gay, too."

" _You_?" she gasped in disbelief. No way was her Watcher "that way!" "B--But what about that 'special friend' you had over a couple weeks ago -- Olivia?"

The tweed wearing older man smiled as he remembered that lovely encounter, and replied, "Yes, well, Oliver always did like to crossdress, and 'Olivia' suits him."

The Slayer shook her head, refusing to believe this. "Ms. Calendar!" she pointed out triumphantly.

The dark eyed Watcher sighed sadly at the memories that name brought up. "Yes, dear Jack Calendar. He always did have a good figure in a skirt. Did I mention my thing for crossdressers?"

"I don't believe this!" the Slayer shouted in disbelief. "You can't be gay, Giles! Neither can you, Xander!"

"Face it, Slutty," the snarky British Vampire snarked with a smirk as he cuddled with his new lover, "you're the only straight person in Sunnydale."

"I am not! I have Riley!"

"Um...." The voice came from the door and they all turned to see the tall Initiative soldier standing there, arm around the waist of another soldier, this one handsome and dark-skinned. "Actually, Buffy, I wanted to tell you something about me and Forrest here," he announced as he tightened his arm around his fellow soldier's and his lover's waist.

"Aaaaahhhhhh!" the petite blond slayer screamed, and gripping her stake, rushed to take out her frustration on the nearest target, the surprised and defenseless chipped vampire.

Fortunately, the red headed witch caught her dragged her into another room, where she couldn't do any harm.

"That was close, Spikey-poo," the dark haired mortal boy murmured, leaning up to kiss the cool lips of his vampire lover.

"Yeah, that it was, whelp," the bleached blond other man agreed softly, enjoying the feel of his lover in his arms.

"I _knew_ it!" A screech and a flash of light lit the room and suddenly there stood the former vengeance demon. Although, she was definitely looking very much like a current vengeance demon, at the moment.

"Anya!" the floral wearing young man gasped out in surprise. He hadn't seen her all day and he hadn't thought about how to break this news to her yet!

"I _knew_ you'd cheat on me, Xander!" the once ex, now demon again woman yelled, her face going all veiny as power sparked around her. "That's why I became your girlfriend! I knew that you'd be unfaithful and I could become a demon again because of it! And now I have to curse you."

Suddenly the small red headed witch came back into the room. It'd been a close thing, but she'd managed to get the raving Slayer tied up in the next room and now she was really worried. "Something's really wrong, Giles!" she grunted worriedly. "Buffy's speaking in tongues!"

"Hmm," mused the older but dignified looking Watcher as he looked around at the gathering of Scoobys, soldiers and one not-so ex-demon, his eyes narrowing as he thought it over. "You may be right, Willow. Something seems...off here."

"M--Maybe it's a spell?" the blond witch offered haltingly.

"Yes! That's what it feels like, an evil spell!" announced the intelligent Watcher knowingly.

"Well, um, maybe we better hurry up and break it," blurted out the frowning red haired witch as she looked back into the other room with concern. "Buffy's head is starting to spin."

"Finite Incantatem!" the stately old Watcher intoned.

Everyone in the room stared at him.

"Yes, well, it was worth a try," he muttered, then tossed the wand back in his desk drawer.

"Wait! I know!" the young darker haired witch announced as she ran over to the bookcase. She knew just the thing!

"Do be careful with those!" the older Watcher pleaded as he took off his glasses and began to polish them. It was about time to get a new prescription, he thought, all the polishing had worn these pair down.

"Here it is!" the young woman announced as she flipped open the book to exactly the right page. Then she yodeled, "Endus Badficius!"

And everything faded dramatically to black.

\-----

Opening his eyes slowly, Xander groaned. Funny, he didn't _remember_ going to a concert, but there was definitely someone doing a drum solo, and it sounded like it was right inside his head. Still slumped in the chair, he pushed himself up with a pained groan and looked around. 

Riley and Forrest where nowhere to be seen, but across the room, Giles was on his feet and leaning against the wall, looking about as unsteady as Xander felt. Xander certainly wouldn't have trusted his own legs to hold him up right then. Willow was sprawled out on the floor and for a second, alarm swept through Xander and he would've shoved himself out of the chair and crawled over to her. But Tara was right there. She must've fallen next to Willow because she was sitting up now, wincing in pain even as she reached over to touch Willow's shoulder.

"Willow? A--are you all right?"

"Ugh?" was all Xander heard, but it was a semi-coherent sounding "ugh" and he thought she'd be okay.

"Oooh," a dazed groan came from somewhere too close for Xander to see, but he knew that voice.

"Anya!" Now he did push off of the chair, sliding to the floor. It put him right next to Anya -- who was trying to push herself up.

"Here." He helped her to sit up, letting her lean against him.

"Xander?" She frowned as she looked at him. "I--I'm not a demon, Xander, you know that, right? Not that it wouldn't be nice, sometimes, especially right before my period. Then I could curse men and make myself feel much better. But...." Her frown deepened. "I wouldn't curse you, Xander. I love you."

"Yeah," he smiled at her, sliding an arm around her shoulders. "Love you too, Ahn. And you know I never would've cheated on you without a spell, right?"

"I know." She took his free hand in hers, smiling slightly. "But we should talk about that, Xander."

"What, the cheating?" He frowned. "Why? It's not like it'll happen again. I mean, come on, it's _Spike_." He nodded towards the pair of legs sticking out from beside the chair. Spike was still out cold.

"Well, was it good? I mean, of course you were under a spell, but was sex good with Spike?" There was no jealousy or accusation in her tone, just curiosity. "Did you have a lot of it, or just once?"

Xander chuckled uncomfortably. "Uh...you know what, Ahn? I'm trying really hard to repress those memories right now, so let's just move on in to Denial Land, okay?

"Thought it wasn't half bad," came Spike's voice. Then he was moving, sitting up and running a hand through his hair, leaving it standing up in over-gelled patches. "Power tools were a bit of all right, even if it was part of a bloody spell."

"No one asked you, fangless," Xander said with a glare.

"Oh, the Bum Buster?" Anya smiled as she looked at Spike, then back to Xander. "You tried it out? I _knew_ you'd like it! You'll tell me all about it later."

"Wait, that _wasn't_ part of the spell?" Spike stared at them incredulously.

"Can someone _please_ untie me?" Buffy's yell from the bathroom stopped Xander from replying.

"I ordered it from a special catalogue," Anya was saying to Spike, even as she ran her thumb slowly over the back of Xander's hand. "It has multiple features. Did you try them all?"

"Do you have any aspirin, Giles?" Willow sounded groggy but her voice was strong.

"Oh, yes, plenty of aspirin," Giles said, pushing away from the wall, rubbing his forehead. "And fortunately, great quantities of alcohol," he muttered.

"...and you can help me try the Richter Scale feature on Xander."

" _What_?" Xander immediately shifted his attention back to Anya and Spike. Spike, who'd moved much closer to them and was regarding Anya with rapt attention.

"It really is a three person device, Xander," Anya said, patting his hand with a smile. "At least, if you want to make full use of it. And Spike's volunteered to help."

" _What_?" Xander repeated, staring at Spike.

Spike just grinned at him, raising an eyebrow before looking back at Anya. "So, tell me, pet, does Harris here always cross his eyes when he's getting shagged?"

"Yes! Isn't it cute?" Anya said with a light laugh. Then she let go of Xander and leaned in close to Spike. "Did he do that little whimpering thing, too?"

Spike nodded, grinning widely.

Xander just dropped his head into the palm of his hand and groaned.

Fin

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so, parody, obviously. When I wrote this - way back when in 2005 - it was my way of expressing my contempt for a number of fanfic writing tropes without standing on a soapbox. I always figure that if I can make people laugh, maybe they'll also get the point, too. 
> 
> In case you missed my issues:
> 
> 1) Epithets: horrid things that shouldn't be used more than once a page, if at all. Have a nice essay for further explanation: http://www.trickster.org/symposium/symp159.html
> 
> 2) Spike calling Xander "whelp." Never happened. Totally fanon. Hate it.
> 
> 3) Non-words such as "alot." Doesn't exist.
> 
> 4) Fear of "said." Using any and all description in lieu of a succinct "said." Have another essay: http://www.squidge.org/~cabs/faux1.html
> 
> 5) The "Everyone's Gay" trope which is closely bound to another horrid trope, "Het is Ew." http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EveryoneIsGay and http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HetIsEw respectively.


End file.
